Another day, another fantastically unending antique mall, filled to the brim with anything and everything my twisted heart could desire. This shop used to be an old roller skating rink but now hosts a great number of different vendors. In typical Maine fashion you will find lots and lots of random junk probably collected by a hoarder, tons of truly bizarre folk art and oddities, and the occasional tasteful antique for an equally tasteful price. This is one of my favorite places to hit when I am up here because it’s always full to the brim and the people are always charming and friendly (that goes for the customers as much as it does the dealers!)

Sooooo….. what did I find today? Well, it started with this delightfully demonic cat lamp…

“LOOK UP!” my mother kept yelling at me. “WHY?! Is something about to fall on me?!” No, there’s just a horrified baby doll hawking cigarettes up there.

Speaking of demonic cats…. This one is made out of “Real feline goat hair.” It’s as surprised as we are.

Maine is a great place to go if you collect racist black history artifacts. Most antique stores usually have a piece or two but Maine doesn’t hide them in the back room… This one struck me as even more “off” than usual! It reads, “My it shure am sweet!”

Then this was nearby. “HOLY SHIT, a black doll that looks human….” Carved from wood this was by far the least terrifying doll on offer.

Then I found this white doll shitting itself making a pouty face. Can’t really blame it. It was cuddled up with a black baby doll… and well… hatred is learned people!

Which brings me to this “topsy turvy doll….” which I think is some sort of liberal’s idea of teaching their kids equality…. but really, at the end of the day, it’s just a  naked bi-racial conjoined twin from the Twilight Zone.

Here we have a nun converting all the heathen native children… and Batman. Because Batman is totally cool with that sort of thing.

Heeeeey, it’s Burger King…. before the make-over….. just WOW….

And then I came across this little orange haired clown doll… and I actually thought it was kind of cute. Everyone else was screaming in horror.

“LOOK UP! It’s Bugs Bunny!” I don’t believe that for a second. Why is the carrot glowing like that??

This sophisticated pig says you’re made of bacon.

This little white doll has been kidnapped and dressed in the garb of an Indian. Now he’s sad.

AHHH! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KILL IT!!

Fun trivia fact: Little Miss Muffet was the daughter of a notorious entomologist who bred deadly deadly spiders in his lab.

Remember when Steamboat Willie got Bloat? Yeah, me either.

The look of absolute disgust on this little gent’s face… it’s almost like he heard another doll reciting the original version of Catch a Tiger by the Toe….

Here’s a bunch of African animals lined up behind a meat grinder.

I don’t know what heinous crime this little fella just committed but whatever it was I think I’m OK with it.

This elk looks a little too chill to be dead. He’s like someone’s reincarnated prankster uncle…

Now welcoming the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Doll. Limited granny edition.

I remember when I was a child I loved cuddling into bed to listen to my mother read me Snow White and the Demonic Squirrel...

Slightly morbid, Joe. Slightly morbid.

Hey! Look! It’s me fucking around!

Again I am not sure who this is supposed to be offending. It looks like a Mariachi band led by a really fat Native American woman…?

GNOMES!!! I know what you’re saying, “You’re terrified of dolls but you love gnomes?!” YES, YES I DO. And not just because their great grand daddy is supposed to be Priapus the ever-erect Greek God of Embarrassing ER Visits. 

Remember when Irish Catholics weren’t considered “white.” *whistles*

PIXIES! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!

I’m not sure what just happened in this little scene…. but that little boy is crying and I feel like I need a shower.

What can still suck out your soul that isn’t a haunted doll? A haunted painting of a child…. I would not hang this in my house if you paid me.

Mother: “Look a gay couple!”

Me: “THOSE ARE BUTLERS.”

I don’t know what “gall salve” is but I question the legitimacy of rubbing it on my horse.

Here’s the Prince of Maine… in case you’re wondering…. Maine totally had a prince once and this is Him. His reign was toppled when the schoolyard bully smudged mud on his velvety suit and made him eat worms.

I’m always amused by the random unnamed photos in antique stores. This one isn’t even that old. There’s probably some guy out there, we’ll call him Dave, that is wandering by going, “HEY! THAT’S FUCKING ME! WHY IS MY PHOTO HANGING IN AN ANTIQUE STORE?!”

I don’t know who this little darling is either…. but I don’t trust her….

GAWD, those pixies are everywhere!! Going to have to invest in some Fairy Spray.

Betty Boop WOULD NEVER.

A surprisingly noble stuffed turkey…

Ever had a significant other that kept lamenting, “You make me want to shoot myself!” This is the perfect gift for them. Caffeine and guns. Can’t go wrong.

I have no idea why the scalp of Charlie Chaplin and some random Mountie are 50% off… but that seems like a deal!

Another probably haunted painting… Can you get higher insurance rates on things that are possessed?

Giggling. Killer. Corn.

Finally, this pooch is guaranteed to work better than an actual guard dog…