October might be the usual time for all things blood and gore but this year the festivities started a month early with a delightful musical misadventure. We’d caught this tour as they were going through Nashua NH, stopping at a cute little theater with parking for maybe 10 cars max. That was the first fun part. I’m not at all convinced I didn’t cuddle my Prius up somewhere it wasn’t supposed to be but luckily no one seemed to notice this unauthorized vehicle in the lot we found. The area wasn’t exactly bustling with activity. It was really weird. I used to come to Nashua NH exactly once a year to shop for school clothes at the mall when I was a kid and I remembered it to be this huge scuzzy city. Now coming back to it after I’ve been through Boston and NYC and I found myself intensely underwhelmed. It’s funny how things change.
As I got out of the car I was greeted with snickers and giggles, “Did you remember to bring a change of clothes?”
“For what??” Once again I was either not exactly running with all the information or it’d gone by my ears so long ago I’d forgotten. No, I did not bring a change of clothes, who brings a change of clothes to a play?! I mean I know the play is about a dude with a chainsaw for a hand but… oh god, that sounds messy.
As we walked into the theater they had a raffle going for an odd prize. It was like one of those giant foam sports fingers but instead of a finger it was a chainsaw. Cute. Looking around the audience was presumably a very neurospicy crowd. Tufts of vibrant unnaturally colored hair and funny tee shirts were scattered throughout this gathering like rainbow jimmies on a cupcake. It was nice. You know how much I love my fellow misfits.
Having bought these tickets way the hell in advance we were able to sit front and center. Directly behind a weird black box with tubes coming out of it. Huh. Odd. Is that…. a blood sprinkler? Because the nozzle seemed to be pointed directly at me. Hmmm..
When the play finally started we were treated with a cast delivering only the campiest of lines with the same inflection and unwarranted enthusiasm as a 1950’s film on hygiene. There were enough innuendos, puns, and dad jokes to last a lifetime. And between all the singing and bit humor there was a malcontented tree. Fucking loved that tree. May have been the best character in the play!
And as much as I was loving every cheesy bit of this it still wasn’t gory. By now my purse was tucked under my plastic covered chair hopefully well out of way of the splash zone. We’d all passed up on the offer to buy a $5 poncho. I’d been to the Blue Man Group before, they also sold largely unnecessary ponchos. We’d all take our chances. Then came the infamous chopping off of the hand scene and blood spurted straight into the air on the other side of the audience, like a lawn sprinkler. Pfft. I could handle a little mist like that. Little was I to know that just because of where I was sitting I’d been specially chosen for a blood bath like no other.
I was only halfway expecting it but luckily my reflexes kicked in before my brain did and I closed my mouth and eyes as a geyser of fake blood shot directly at my face, DRENCHED every bit of me, stopped, AND THEN STARTED IN AGAIN. The audience laughed uproariously as I ineffectively held up my hands, not exactly sure what to do. That blood was COLD and I was starting to regret my decision not to wear a bra that night. But you know what? Of all the places to let my titties wander feral and free (as goddess intended) I guess a horror musical is at least fitting. There was no part of my T-shirt, face, pants, and shoes that wasn’t sopping wet by now. Even my hair was dripping and I thought I’d experienced the last of it but no. For comedic effect I got one third blast as I heard my dearest yell-laughing, “OH MY GOD!” Splatter zone my ass, this was a drench zone! And I loved every bit of it. Except maybe the taste. We decided the blood must be unsweetened Kool-Aid. But I get it. Got to use something that’s not too sticky!
You might think that was it but actually that was just the first half of the show. The second half was much bloodier and the sources of the blood were coming from all directions not just the sprinklers. Audience members who thought they were safe 3 rows up were absolutely not safe. I felt a little bad for the two wearing white T-shirts who got drenched as well. But everyone seemed to be really enjoying this absolutely absurd series of events.
We had so much fun and were in very high spirits when we finally left. I found my emergency hoodie in the car and changed in the backseat like a hobo before driving the hour home. I had an absolute blast and would very highly recommend going to see this production if you too love campy horror, unlikely musicals, or just happen to need a bath in Kool-Aid.
