Two Old Goats Antiques was the second to last antique store we decided to visit and funny enough I don’t think we’d been there before even with a catchy business name!

The first thing I noticed walking in was a wooden whale on the wall that freakishly looked like it had human teeth (on closer inspection they were rocks but this somehow didn’t make it any less distressing to look at.) The second thing I noticed was the cutest goddamn pit mix wandering around greeting people and what a good pup she was! I did not steal her. I may have wanted to.

This shop was on the smaller side but the things in it were sufficiently weird to make me smile especially in their unheated garage section where I found a box of lawn darts on the floor. I’ve heard of lawn darts and how dangerous they were but I’d never seen them and was absolutely horrified to learn they weren’t the size of regular darts. These suckers were the size of soup cans and just as heavy with a goddamn spear on the end. No wonder they were taken off the market! How many jugulars did these flying death pokers hit?!

Other fun finds included a three-foot-tall soulless Easter Bunny with nothing but gaping black voids for eyes. The tag literally read, “Buy if you dare.” And I can appreciate the humor in that! I really liked this one painting of two weird carousel horses for 35 bucks, but I couldn’t justify buying it. I don’t have a wall to put it on but someday, should I ever gnaw my way out of Dickensian poverty I shall have the most glorious and bizarrely decorated house that ever existed, displaying all sorts of uncomfortable treasures from my trips to antique stores – deathly looking portraits of Victorian children, an iron piggy bank displaying a dentist ripping out the tooth of a small child, a row of haunted ventriloquist dummies, and the kind of folk art that will make you wonder if I bought it from a mental institution. Promises, promises!